if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Holy shit dude........stairs
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