were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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