so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
