Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
