We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
