probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
