Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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