I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
