U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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