Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
