Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
