She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
