i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
