Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
