who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
