my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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