i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
