I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
