Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
