After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
