just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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