We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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