My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
