Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
