...so i touched it.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
