I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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