Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
