I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize