The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
