I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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