when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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