Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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