Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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