Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
