I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
