I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
