i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
They left me at home... I'm a liability
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
