that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
