Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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