My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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