piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Dear god my vagina.
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