can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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