someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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