genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
