my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
