good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
