When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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