I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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