Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
