did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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