jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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