I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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