Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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