Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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