I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
