can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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