she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
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