Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
